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| something is very off these days.
i can't really explain it, but that statement pretty much covers it. i feel like i came back from portland and the entire axis of my universe tilted while i was gone or something. half the people i used to talk to or know have hardly spoken to me, at least not since i've been back, in fact a lot of them have changed and it came out of nowhere so i'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. my grandma, i swear to baby jesus, is bipolar, her crazychanges in moods with me are giving me whiplash, one day she's out to get me and the next she's asking me why i haven't come home. everyone paired off, almost everyone i know is busy with significant others, even my godson called me the other night and was telling me about his little kindergarten girlfriend who brings him lunch and whom he bought a necklace. my aunt is dating some new guy she is always out with, i forget she even lives at the house, although i haven't been there in a week. thats ANOTHER thing, i've been at my mom's house and her stupid husband has been nice to me the whole time, even when my mom isn't around. it's fucking weird, i keep waiting for something really bad to happen here, i'm constantly on edge when i'm not holed up in my room over here, which i mostly am. my family was mostly tolerable this last christmas, which was also fucking weird as shit, i usually feel super out of place and like the black sheep, i still did but people for some reason actually tried to talk to me, cousins i have never ever really talked to. i wanted to run into the other room and be like 'what do you want from me??'. i'm not used to it. aldo and rachel are going out or hanging out or whatever the current terminology is these days, i'd be the last to know, and i'm glad she's having fun but now it's weird with us a little, i still like her as a friend and we have fun the few times we've hung out, but aldo sees her more than i do now and she hangs out with people i used to sort of hang out with, and she's even brought her friends into the mix, its just an odd clashing of the worlds. i mean fuck it, their never going to read this, it's not that i don't like it, but it just unsettles me and makes me feel downright weird, especially when you mix in certain things that have transpired in the past with our circle, or whatever shape its become.
just seeing people has proven that this Upsidedown Land that has eaten my previous life exists. the first time i talked to my cousin she talked on and on about her crazy new party life with that random group of bikers she now hangs out with, which says it all in my book, it's fucking weird, not to mention (not to sound like a mom) their all a dangerous crowd that party too much to be able to watch out for her if need be. one of my friends i used to think of in a certain way is like crossing all these crazy life bridges and it's weird to see. and when i saw frank he'd grown a beard and changed his hair and look and gotten taller and looked older, and gave me this really long crazy hug and paid for all my stuff, my ice cream and movie ticket (he used to never, ever have money) and it was just...weird. I feel different around him a bit, i can't really tell if it's good or bad or what, but it's different, and i can't put my finger on it. Or maybe i can, but i don't want to. Either way, things are oddly cloudy and i don't like it. I've barely spoken to jeff, and when i did all i got was basically a quick squeeze into his apparently busy schedule five days from then, followed by a semi awkward short conversation. i just had absolutely no idea what to say to him, i was nervous as it was just calling him, and hearing him shot any nerve i had left, and i don't like it, and it made me really mad. i don't like that someone else, let alone a boy, has the ability to make me feel bad or unsure about myself, i'm taking the upper hand back, i'm taking back all the feelings i had for him until i somewhat know what the fuck is going on with us, if anything, god damn it. i'm only going to do what i want, when i want, and i don't care what he wants, i think i deserve to do what's good for me, i think we all do, so i'm not going to compromise that, whatever it may be and whichever direction it may go in. i also saw an old friend from high school whom i used to be good friends with but hadn't talked to in literally months, and it was so not the same, we've grown so apart. and my other friend, whom i thought of as a little brother or something, changed drastically from this innocent little naive calvary school kid to a man thats a fireman in training and wants to go out drinking with me. i mean, i'm all for it, it's just fucking weird to see. and the other night bonnie, cherie, and i hung out with frank and jacob and joe and it was crazy to be out with them, i hadn't seen them in so long, and i actually talked to them one on one a little which has never really happened, they came back to bonnie's house which, again, i've never been there to see before. and a while ago bonnie, rachel, aldo, justin, and i all went out together, a very odd and new combination since i hardly ever had spoken to justin at that time, and i never really hang out with bonnie and rachel at the same time, and she's going out with aldo, the whole thing just made me a little dizzy to think of. and then jonathan showed up at the bar we all went to, and i found myself talking to him, which also has never happened. i'm not saying all these things are bad, some of them were fun and exciting, but i'm not used to the changes. people are growing up and changing around me, i feel like i'm the only one standing still
even this melo entry is weird, i know it's all coming out because it's been quietly stewing in me like a mess without much release.
the first time i felt normal in days was today. me and bonnie went for a walk, got taco bell, smoked, and watched The City. it made me feel so much more grounded, lately i feel like i'm just floating aimlessly throughout what's become a Circus. maybe i just needed to get out, i've barely left the house in days.
but i think what i really need is to surrender the past, and that is going to be difficult.
i haven't a clue about anything or anyone anymore, i'm just diving headfirst into who knows what. but now i feel ready for it.
here's to the great unknown, and me kicking it's ass. | | |
| i've been trying really, really hard not to go crazy for the last two days. I've been doing stuff, i haven't just been sitting at home thankfully, i've had a good time, but it's on the back of my mind and i don't like it. It bothers me that it's even an issue for me, i want to be able to not worry about it, forget about it even, and do my own thing and just take everything as it comes. But at the same time why should this scare me so much? Life is too short to not do what you want. I'm still scared, but i shouldn't be. I won't be able to handle this the way i'd like to until i stop being scared, i know that. So why can't i stop? I don't know. I have to take a step away from it, stop trying to control the situation or think of the different things that could happen with it. Once i do that i feel i'll be ready. I have to let go of this one and look ahead instead of being stuck in this middle ground. Just do what i want.
I feel a little more sure of it now. At least i think i'm making sense, if anything to just myself, but that's all i ask of myself. It goes back and forth too much for me to keep up with. I basically have absolutely no fucking idea what i'm doing or what i'm going to do or what i'm going to do if nothing happens, it seems that's how i feel about most struggles i have, and i handle it all the same, just in pieces as it comes. I realize that i don't like that it's out of my control, but then i realize that it doesn't have to be out of my control, that i could do something about it, but then the last realization is that i won't do anything because i want to see what they will do first; i wait for it to come to me because i don't feel i should have to go after it if it's meant for me. But who knows what's 'meant'? What if what's meant for you is simply what you make happen for you? And in that case, what if this whole time i haven't made anything happen for me? I can't sit around and wait forever, i know that. I have to make things happen for myself, life doesn't owe me one fucking favor, i have every option and i'm sitting here doing nothing with them.
I'm going to make some decisions for the first time in a long while. I'm going to do shit, live my life. | | |
| i'm struggling to figure out what it is i want anymore.
even if i know what i want, there is no guarantee that i will get it. such is the gamble of life.
i'm struggling to define any and all feelings that i've kept close to my chest, the things i haven't bothered to tell anyone about because i don't see the point of it. some things people just wouldn't understand. my problem is that even when i know what it is that i want i get too scared to make any major decisions for a long time because i get worried that their repercussions won't be worth the risk. i don't really have that problem with anything but matters of my stoney ice heart. there's a reason it's made of stone. a good one. i don't intend on letting my feelings get in the way of what is good for me this time. i'm not going to be reduced to girl #121232331 or The Virgin Conquest. Not me, and not this time. I'm not afraid to take as much goddamn time as i please if it doesn't feel right. In conclusion, i'm going to do whatever i want.
I'm going to try and do whatever i want, when i want. I tried it before and it didn't last as long as i'd wanted it to. It's something i want to last all the time, but i struggle with the difficult moral decisions that split what i want from what i 'should do'. case in point, a friend of mine slept with another friends longtime crush, even though she knew that our friend liked him alot and would be upset when she found out. In fact, she slept with him twice. She is the kind of person that, like me, has the idea of doing what she wants when she wants without constraints. But would i have done the same thing? Probably not. See, it's impossible to do everything you want without affecting others along the way. i don't mind too much when 'others' are just that, but when it involves my best friends or people i care about i have to take it into consideration. I can't un-attatch myself in that way; i'm not a robot.
I want to live a life without compromise. I want to do something to make this world a better place for myself, so i can look at it without cringing. But this is all i can do for now. | | |
| i'm wary about writing about anything now. someone is anonymously reading these and i don't know who but hopefully it's random people and not someone i know or at least have written about. apparently it's always from new york or someone who uses firefox in california.
week 1 in this house is over. only a few more to go until i'm free. this place is a goddamn circus, and the show's only begun. in ring number one we have the Bitch Grandma and her reluctant sidekick the Grandpa, Bitch Grandma's main trick is making my life hell, tripping me so the audience laughs, meanwhile Grandpa sits on the sidelines, never a good sidekick, drinking because it's all he knows how to do, and i don't blame him because if i were married to bitch Grandma i'd probably constantly drink also. Joining them is the rest of my family, but i like to think of them more as lying cheating conniving bastards, because here at The Show we don't censor anything and nothing is family friendly. These specimens will often say one thing to your face and another when you leave the room, yet at holidays and birthdays they condemn me for keeping to myself and not being the fake friendly monkey they've been trained to be. They do amazing impressions of The Big Happy Family even though this is the farthest thing they are. This is my least favorite ring and i try to avoid it as much as humanly possible.
in ring two we feature the clan of friends, both old and new, that have stuck around, for your entertainment. There's the ones that i still talk to and feel the same with and the ones i don't, but we are both stubborn and won't admit that there are problems and untold secrets because if we say it out loud that makes it true. but it is true, said or not. i don't want to continue this bullshit song and dance, i'm like a performer that remembers everything to do but can't smile because she knows what's really going on, going through the motions. There also the fighting friends, in their own corner of the ring, that add their own dose of awkwardness by not getting along but being in the same places at the same times a lot because they have one thing in common, me. In this ring i'd like to especially point out to you folks The Best Friends, whom are leaving me here in Pico to rot while they go off and do better things. I'd also like to point out that it was my decision to not join them and in all fairness they are not leaving me, rather, i chose to leave them because it was the only choice i really had, and while i'm aware of just how much this is going to suck complete ass i inexplicably still feel like i am doing the right thing, and while we're here folks i may as well point out My Self Loathing standing right over there. And last but not least, if you could just turn your attention over to The Boy in this same ring. The Boy is the Only Boy and i haven't seen him for months but somehow that has only fueled the cloud of feelings i have. I've tried to forget about The Only Boy a number of times but this has proven to be impossible. The Only Boy continues to confuse and mystify me, i both know him very well and know nothing about him, and with an upcoming reunion i fear The Only Boy is well past our last intimacies and has forgotten about me long ago. Even though i know this is very probable i continue to bask in lust and longing with no acknowledgment of what i should be doing instead. This is the only time this has happened to me in such a head-over-heels-no-matter-what way. My Stone Heart doesn't know what to do with itself. In this way, The Only Boy is a magician.
and in the center ring we feature me, you're host and befuddled tour guide through this freak show. in the middle of this giant mess, i have not a reason to think that i will ever get to retire from my job as Ring Leader. I very often swing from the Just Fuck Off stage to the Party Animal This Is What Everyone Sees stage, usually daily. I might possibly be crazy, and to add to this, i don't think there is anything wrong with being crazy which probably just makes me crazier. Crazy is normal for me. I have never known anything else. And in this way, my life is a show. I entertain others with my ups and downs. If only there were a job besides serial killer where i'd reach my pleasure by doing everything and anything i want. I'd like to end this presentation by pointing out that while i run the show and call my own shots, i chose to work alone.
Please exit the tent to your right. | | |
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I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
smoking is a choice. i don't care how deluded you are, obviously it's your choice to pick up your first cigarette and you know damn well that they are addicting, don't pretend you didn't have to sit through countless D.A.R.E. and anti-smoking speeches at your schools. Even after you're addicted, you can chose to find the will power to stop, or go out and buy the patch, get hypnotized, lock yourself in a goddamn cell, just don't sit there are blame the tobacco companies for addicting you to their product. as far as i know they haven't shown up at anyone's houses, held you at gunpoint, and stuck the thing in your mouth. | | |
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